happiness

happiness is just a state of the mind
you only need yourself and a happy thought to be happy
or well... a dose of sweet chocolate from a dear friend can add more beauty to it (thanks Ms. El, i love you)

the hardest part though is to keep that happy thought and to stay happy...
most of the time, you need to battle against yourself to discern what will make you happy or to take courage and accept that you will be as happy as you think you will be... sometimes you need to be extremely sad to understand that within you, you can find the happiness that you are searching.

yesterday was an eventful day.
looking back at it now, i can surely say that it was supa-fun!
it was one of those days wherein a traveler has to journey amidst the dark alleys, along the foggy swamps and in between the hazy valleys just to get to a sunny, warm meadows of flowers and butterflies.
it was not an easy trip but it was a beautiful one all in all.

to be happy all you have to do is to be happy
if you need to be sad just to be happy, don't be afraid to feel just that
never go against the natural flow of nature but rather always make it your closest and most loyal ally.
enjoy every moment of your happy times.
enjoy every moment of your down times just as much.
you'll see, it pays to be sad now that you are happy.

nothing happens before the right time

patience...so rare a virtue in this fast paced modern world
patience...almost extinct like most of life's basic

patience... i need you now more than ever
patience... rescue my soul chasing after time

patience...come heal my stressed being
patience...ohh patience...ohhhhhhhhh patience
come back to me...
im down on my knees...
come remind me how it feels to have you...

unmasking

here is the continuation of my story

jeah (3/10/2009 12:11:10 AM): i hope you'l get this, anyway here it is

jeah (3/10/2009 12:12:02 AM): my dad was a really great provider to his family and he has sucha great heart, always very generous to us and to his relatives even to my mom's relatives

jeah (3/10/2009 12:13:01 AM): i grew up really far from him coz he has to work in the Saudi Arabia as a Chief Technician in the Airbase. he was there during the desert storm

jeah (3/10/2009 12:13:42 AM): my mom took care of us, she was such a fighter and she acted both mother and father to us coz my dad was away

jeah (3/10/2009 12:15:24 AM): we have most that we wanted while we are growing up but not everything...but we were happy knowing that both our parents especially our dad sacrificed a lot to be away from his family just to give us a was we need

jeah (3/10/2009 12:16:06 AM): but i always miss my dad. and really hoped that he stays with us together.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:16:26 AM): i am always an achiever when i was growing up

jeah (3/10/2009 12:17:42 AM): i joined all organizations in school, joined contests and is always an honor student since my elementary (primary)years in school... i always tell myself that this is my gift to my parents

jeah (3/10/2009 12:21:17 AM): but when i was 6 years old, something not good happened to me... i was sexually harrassed by the grandfather of my bestfriend. she didnt know what happened of course, but i was soooooooo terified coz he threatend to kill my mom if i will tell anybody wat happened

jeah (3/10/2009 12:21:40 AM): i was just a little girl so i was really scared

jeah (3/10/2009 12:22:22 AM): i never told anybody and i forced myself to forget about it and continue living a great life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:23:20 AM): until when i was 16 years old and was in my first year in college...i heard that he died and remembered everything that happened when i was 6 years oldjeah

(3/10/2009 12:24:08 AM): that time there was this guy who is courting me and wanted me to become his girlfriend... i considered him as a brother and a dear friend

jeah (3/10/2009 12:24:43 AM): i told him what happened to me when i was 6 yo and he was soooooo caring and sympathetic

jeah (3/10/2009 12:25:32 AM): i thought that he was a good guy...and was really sincere about his feelings for me. so after awhile i agreed to become his girlfriend

jeah (3/10/2009 12:28:32 AM): but he forced me to have sex with him... i was not ready coz i was really young then. he hurt he, and forced me to do it with him. he hit me and i was crying when i was devirginized. it was not a happy experience at all

jeah (3/10/2009 12:29:23 AM): i was so angry and i felt really cheated coz i trusted him more than anyone else...but he did exactly the same thing i experienced when i was 6 years old

jeah (3/10/2009 12:29:54 AM): after that i never trusted anyone or allowed myself to love someone...but i had sooooo many boyfriends

jeah (3/10/2009 12:30:28 AM): and i had sex to a lot of guys.. not because i loved them but i wanted them to feel how it is to be hurt...

jeah (3/10/2009 12:31:10 AM): at the back of my mind thu, i was really looking for love, only that i dont think there is someone worth trusting and loving at all

jeah (3/10/2009 12:31:51 AM): but... i felt so empty, sooooo dirty and i lost myself. i was really confused, depressed and was never proud of myself

jeah (3/10/2009 12:33:50 AM): until i met my son's father.. we were young and we both needed love.. we thot we were meant to be together..but i was still doubting him...i never gave him all of my love. i still feel empty even if we are togetherjeah

(3/10/2009 12:34:46 AM): then one day i prayed and was crying when i was talking to God. i asked Him if He can give me something or someone worth fixing my life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:35:56 AM): i was not happy... but i wanted to change and fix my messy life... i made a promise to Him that if that time comes, i will fix my life according to how He wanted me to lead it.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:37:13 AM): then I got pregnant... it was the happiest moment in my life. after a long time... i was really happy knowing that my pregnancy is an answered prayer. God gave me the right reason to live and fix my life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:38:39 AM): but, my son's dad was not ready for it...he told me to have an abortion...i refused...then he realized he made a mistake so he decided to keep the baby and would want us to be together without marriage

jeah (3/10/2009 12:39:35 AM): i said NO, i made a promise to God i will fix my life and i wanted Him to bless me and my family thru marriage

jeah (3/10/2009 12:40:57 AM): but my son's dad was not ready for it...so i decided, i will leave and raise my child on my own. i was sooo disappointed with him, i left and never communicated with him

jeah (3/10/2009 12:41:20 AM): he didnt even know i gave birth to my son..

jeah (3/10/2009 12:42:26 AM): 2 weeks after i gave birth, i applied as a teacher in a caregiver school in our place. i was accepted and started working there

jeah (3/10/2009 12:43:18 AM): my income was really low, but i still gave something to my mom and the rest, i spend for my baby's needs. i never asked anything from anyone to raise my child

jeah (3/10/2009 12:43:44 AM): i faced the consequences of my actions, took responsibility and correct the things i did wrong

jeah (3/10/2009 12:44:34 AM): after that, i was soooooo focused with having a career, get promoted earn a better income and love, care, love and take care of my son

jeah (3/10/2009 12:46:08 AM): when i had my Kahlil, i regained my true self... i gained respect from people because i never allowed circumstances to stop me from achieving my dreams while i showed love and responsibility to my son

jeah (3/10/2009 12:46:27 AM): i made sure...that my son will be proud of me.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:47:18 AM): i made a promise to myself that if ever the Lord will give me a husband in the future, il see to it that he can be proud of me, even if i am a single mom

jeah (3/10/2009 12:48:11 AM): i prayed that someday, someone will love me and my son unconditionally...and i will make him the happiest man on earth thanking God that he got me as his wife

jeah (3/10/2009 12:49:13 AM): what i achieved rite now is because i wanted to become the best mother on earth for my son by becoming the best person that i can become.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:09 AM): and hopefully...i would also be able to help other people in any way i can, that they'l be inspired with my story and they too will fix their lives and be the best to glorify God's name

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:34 AM): i guess that's me...i hope i gave you something there

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:54 AM): i hope you got this msg

jeah (3/10/2009 12:51:39 AM): i am really looking forward to know you better and build something real and lasting with you with God's grace and guidance

jeah (3/10/2009 12:57:48 AM): take care always...im just here

jeah (3/10/2009 12:58:02 AM): i love you sweety

Memoir of thy old self (old poems '02-'03)

Suddenly came a spark that breathes life into dust
Molded in a gentle yet uncertain bin
Creating an angel so wild, so free…
In the darkness she unravels herself
In the light she disappears
A cry underneath her speaks of angst
A call from within her unleashes a terrified soul
What is she made for?
_____________________________________________________________

She wakes up with sunshine on her face
In a haven that speaks of her being
Another day she must face uncertain
She wanted to hide the shadows in her eyes
In a crystal veil smoked and tinted
She wanted to run with the wolves and be free
Leaving the ghost that haunts her dreams
To bare everything until vulnerability is complete
To take off the mask for the world to see
Without shame or fear
See the real me!
__________________________________________________________
In a long and lonesome road
Where everything is unsure
Blind curves and dark alleys suggests risks
Hurdles of blades make the journey complicated
Army of death guards the most coveted gift
To risk or not at all is the ultimate question
Destiny is what we make it
___________________________________________________________

Body shimmering with bitter sweat
Fragrant hair tied in chains
Looking straight beyond faceless strangers
Far-out thoughts collated
Starving screams from the pit neglected
Painful lump gone unnoticed
Presence unknown amidst presence
In a vast ocean beyond perception
A spell that binds time beyond infinity
______________________________________________________
Exhausted…
Body and soul
Exhausted…
Heart and mind
Exhausted…
Psyche, being, wholeness
Apocalypse…
Gift of rest
_____________________________________________________

In the midst of nowhere is the heart of wisdom
It is diamond in mud
In a magical world where magic never works
In a bed of nails where tenderness lay
Floating in the river of agony is the most coveted joy
In turbulence is peace
In pain is relief
Only in darkness can a spark be a guiding light
A long journey test’s a horse’s strength
And only those who risk can unhorse the emperor
_____________________________________________________

Blindfolded was I when I took the journey
In my pinion hides a searching spirit
In my cup a bitter potion that heals a wounded soul
Direction unknown as darkness engulfed my wholeness
Chains around my ankles braces my numbness
BREAK FREE!
______________________________________________________

wish list

I wish to write with such passion as real writers do…
I wish to vividly narrate things, situations, and emotions like great novelists do
To capture scenes of never land,
Create fairy tales and let my pen wander with my thoughts
I hope to put into words… great adventures humanity never heard of before
And will never forget beyond infinity
I always wanted to paint marvelous pictures with the kaleidoscope of my words
In oil, in water colors and even in simple crayons
Never in my life did I ever stop dreaming of becoming an artist…
Fearlessly, shamelessly, passionately
Expressing every detail of my thoughts,
Every bit of emotions,
With a fierce lust overwhelmingly swallowing the smallest qualms
Of being true to thy self…of feeding thy starving spirit… of quenching thy thirsty soul
Devouring to every crumbs of truth and realities
Satisfying the hunger for answers
To every question on thy life’s purpose and life itself
I always wish to give another name to lucky stars,
To beautiful dreams, to heaven, to paradise
I always wanted to give new physiques to guardian angels,
Fairy godmothers, the charmed witches and Saint Nicholas
That makes every soul’s wishes come true, never failing them


But is there any other names?
Any other images aside from what the other great writers, poets, lyricists, novelists before me ever created?
What if the things I considered extra-special turns out to be very trivial in some people’s eyes?
What if my wealth turns out to be other people’s trash?
I only have one answer… and a long one at that…
I may be an ordinary creature in this extremely bewildering world…
My words may be other people’s curse
My thoughts may be other people’s regrets and disappointments
My dream may be other people’s nightmares and frustrations
But they are all mine… and mine alone
They reflect my spirit…my soul…my essence as a person, as an individual
And that what makes it extra-special… they are my own
I don’t have to compare myself to anyone
I don’t have to be someone else but myself
I am my own world…as they are their own
I captain my own ship… as they do their own…well, for some of them
I don’t have to prove anything to other people
For I only have to answer to myself…
I am me, and I’m glad this is me…