Lesson learned: Selfishness hurts great souls

I pray that when you read this letter, someday…you will find in your heart to forgive me and see that I don’t have any intention whatsoever to deliberately hurt you.


I’ve been praying for days now that the Lord will guide me to the path that He wanted me to lead…and after complete surrender and heeding to His voice that speaks to my being I came to realize that my heart belongs to only one man and that is the boyfriend I told you I just broken up with on the early part of our correspondence.


When I said I am not committed to someone when you asked me it was the truth, although he never stopped winning me back but I asked him to give me more time to really know what I wanted. I have to be honest with you that recently we both decided to start again, stronger this time.


I can see and can feel that you are a great person as you are… and if I am not in love with someone now I would very well consider you to be my man. But I would be selfish if I would lead you to something that I know will not be good for both of us. I won’t blame you if you will be angry with me but I will continuously pray to our God that someday you will look at me again as a good person.


Thank you for the love that you offer…I am much honored. But I respectfully would refuse it because now the truth that my heart knows is that I love someone else. I am very sorry…please someday forgive me.

to my DEE

knowing a man like you doesn't make the world go round but it makes the ride worth it...our story is a struggle and victory of two people unlucky in love who desire and believe that someday the other half of the lost twin soul will be found and become one once again...

I've been weak as you were weak despite our strong and unbowed nature as individuals...we both need to face and accept this fact in us. But, in you i found the right reasons to continuously beg for God's grace to become the person that He wanted me to become as the other half of that "whole being" He wanted us to be..i believe in that...my whole being screams this as TRUTH...

Trust is always my issue...but i came to realized that i should trust that the God who led us to each other will also be the same God who will keep us together if He so desires.

I love you and that is the fact that i know of now...I will fully trust God's unfailing love for us to surprise me every step of the way and will continue to pray that every new day is a day spent with you...

I know now that Loving is not just a feeling...Love is action. Like any other great things in this world, nothing that is worth doing can be accomplished solely through feelings...it takes action. It won't be easy I know that for a fact...but with God blessing us...everything is achievable.

LESSON LEARNED MAY 26, 2009 2am

" Never say I LOVE YOU to someone unless you have faith and full trust in him"
-DEEPAN KUMAR

Live by the Moment

There are things in life that you need to settle on your own. In as much as you wanted people you love to be there for you...and in as much as they wanted to be there when you call the universe will not let it happen...so i'll deal with it

tonight...after a roller coaster day, i end up in a mall coffee shop alone. while i was walking inside, i realized i was walking super fast missing a lot of things along the way....then i decided to slow-down, i heard a small voice inside me saying what's the rush?...life is too short to let beautiful, interesting things to pass you by unnoticed...they won't come back again and you would be losing a big deal of life's presents.

that's what's happening to me now. i work and do things in an impossibly fast pace and i'm missing a lot of things that matters...im at the top step of my department's corporate ladder at 29 years old...that's an achievement. i am happy and really proud with what i have achieved. but i miss doing a lot of things...trekking, lying for hours in a white sand beach under a beautiful starry night, i miss slowly biting and chewing a freshly baked donut coz i need to eat really fast..i miss my best friend Babe been really awhile since we get to talk about things, about life and about each other...i miss people watching and making stories based on how they act and react from a distance...i miss living by the moment.

two days ago, my other bestfriend Sid told me i should keep the balance and encouraged me to get a yoga DVD that i could use on my trips.. but i didnt find one in the nearest record bars but i got myself a Tai-Chi dvd instead...since then i've been doing it twice a day...by doing so it allowed me to slow down yet recharging a lot of good energy inside and outside my body making me stronger inside out..

wow...i sooooooo love this moment...and i think, i should do this often..

Part 1: My 101 Dreams

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888)

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Someday...all this will be mine.. I would live with it...love it and keep it for the rest of my life.



1. Be Founder/CEO of my own Foundation for Kids. Retiring and dying working and having fun with them. It would be the happiest death the world will see.

2. Be Kahlil's ultimate idol, best friend and instrument in becoming the person he wanted to become. He is actualized because he knows he can be anyone he wanted to become because he can be and because he knows no matter what he can find strength in himself. I am just there... constant... believing... supporting... guiding... inspiring him far beyond eternity.

3. Love and be loved unconditionally by a man i can grow old with...die in his arms happy and wishing that on my next life time and the next, i will still marry him...

4. Be able to have a world camping expedition. Be able to explore the great Himalayas on my first stop..the Grand Canyon, Cape Cod and all the beautiful woods and beaches i'll get to learn about along the way.

5. Be a motivational speaker. Be a catalyst that will lead people back to themselves, loving who they are and who they will become and inspire to be a great contribution to other people by also becoming a catalyst themselves.


6. Study fine arts in Paris...have my own exhibit

7. Go to India and visit Taj Mahal. See and experience how Gandhi spent his great days...Get to experience the history, depth and wisdom of India.

8. Spa all i want in one day...pampering... relaxing..Heaven on earth

9. Performing in a big musical...dancing... singing... acting

10. Have my own library with all my favorite books. Some of which are my own best sellers.

11. Open my own coffee shop/antique shop/Internet cafe/bookstore where every single soul would feel they belong and they can connect

12. Figure skate...bungee jump...sky dive...and compete in a dance sport competition.



89 dreams more to go...

from tolstoy with love...

Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone.

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

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I've been thinking how easy life would have been if everybody do everything they do out of love...

but on second thought...it is never easy when you love coz...

loving would entail us accepting flaws so we too can be purified ...
loving means we must over-come obstacles along the way so we can be in a place where another level of challenges await promising a higher sense of fulfillment...
to love is to be willing to go an extra mile to turn plain into magical and unforgettable...
it is facing our greatest fears so we can be liberated and be truly free...
it is to be broken and admitting that it is the only way to become whole again...
it is to be silent when your soul would want to scream and unleash a fury unthinkable to mankind in order to empathize and gain peace and respect...
it means making a decision and choosing what feels right and allowing our heart's mind to take control and be decisive so we can be certain for sure at the end of the road if we got a diamond or a worthless stone...only then can we be in control again as a new cycle of loving begins...

all this we can accomplish and more because we love...

Faith and happiness

im having a very great Sunday morning. i started out laughing over a great conversation with a cool new DJ friend...while listening to beautiful music over coffee and a lot of i love yous from my Kahlil. I am super happy that i can't stop myself from telling my GOD how overjoyed i am for all these blessings.

I've been away from home for two weeks now...i miss Kahlil, my family, my room and my Cebu. but i can't be sad...there is always excitement in looking forward to coming home soon...

I'll be a 5 year old mom on May 2,2009.i thank the LORD for giving me this present, this experience...i must say this is the BEST. It wasn't easy raising a child alone...but I'm glad and I'm both humbled and proud that I've been successful and i intend to keep it that way up to my last breath...the successful motherhood I mean, not the "single thing" hopefully...

my work is giving me sooo much challenges and just as much fulfillment. there is never a dull moment in my beloved Sheridan...I am very happy here..I get to experience all emotions known to man every single day and most of the time in a really fast pace.good that i still am able to keep my sanity...thanks to a really strong sense of self.

Bottom line...everything in my life is almost complete except for one...GOD leading him to me...or let me rephrase it...GOD making me realize for sure that HE has led him to me already. But I'm keeping the faith...

it does not end here...

THE REASON

he is God's greatest gift to a prodigal daughter
a lost soul's guiding compass
a blind heart's walking stick
a reason that tamed an unruly passion
a north star that guides a searching spirit...always constant always bright
He is someone i could never compromise.
He is my KAHLIL

soar high!

what's next?

today...i dont know how to feel or what to think
something soooo strange is happening
is it reality checking on me?

i was told and i qoute "when you are swimming in a pool, sometimes you would think that you are in the middle of the sea, then suddenly something happens and you would realize you are still in the pool."

i never felt so strongly for someone for a really loooooooooooooooooong time now. we are thinking of moving what we have to a higher level....now im asking myself, am i ready for everything that goes with it? am i sure about it?

i wonder what lies ahead...but one thing is for sure...
FIRST OF ALL,I HAVE TO BE CERTAIN.

whatta great day!

i love this day...i love this hour...i love this minute...i love this moment...coz i love..

happiness

happiness is just a state of the mind
you only need yourself and a happy thought to be happy
or well... a dose of sweet chocolate from a dear friend can add more beauty to it (thanks Ms. El, i love you)

the hardest part though is to keep that happy thought and to stay happy...
most of the time, you need to battle against yourself to discern what will make you happy or to take courage and accept that you will be as happy as you think you will be... sometimes you need to be extremely sad to understand that within you, you can find the happiness that you are searching.

yesterday was an eventful day.
looking back at it now, i can surely say that it was supa-fun!
it was one of those days wherein a traveler has to journey amidst the dark alleys, along the foggy swamps and in between the hazy valleys just to get to a sunny, warm meadows of flowers and butterflies.
it was not an easy trip but it was a beautiful one all in all.

to be happy all you have to do is to be happy
if you need to be sad just to be happy, don't be afraid to feel just that
never go against the natural flow of nature but rather always make it your closest and most loyal ally.
enjoy every moment of your happy times.
enjoy every moment of your down times just as much.
you'll see, it pays to be sad now that you are happy.

nothing happens before the right time

patience...so rare a virtue in this fast paced modern world
patience...almost extinct like most of life's basic

patience... i need you now more than ever
patience... rescue my soul chasing after time

patience...come heal my stressed being
patience...ohh patience...ohhhhhhhhh patience
come back to me...
im down on my knees...
come remind me how it feels to have you...

unmasking

here is the continuation of my story

jeah (3/10/2009 12:11:10 AM): i hope you'l get this, anyway here it is

jeah (3/10/2009 12:12:02 AM): my dad was a really great provider to his family and he has sucha great heart, always very generous to us and to his relatives even to my mom's relatives

jeah (3/10/2009 12:13:01 AM): i grew up really far from him coz he has to work in the Saudi Arabia as a Chief Technician in the Airbase. he was there during the desert storm

jeah (3/10/2009 12:13:42 AM): my mom took care of us, she was such a fighter and she acted both mother and father to us coz my dad was away

jeah (3/10/2009 12:15:24 AM): we have most that we wanted while we are growing up but not everything...but we were happy knowing that both our parents especially our dad sacrificed a lot to be away from his family just to give us a was we need

jeah (3/10/2009 12:16:06 AM): but i always miss my dad. and really hoped that he stays with us together.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:16:26 AM): i am always an achiever when i was growing up

jeah (3/10/2009 12:17:42 AM): i joined all organizations in school, joined contests and is always an honor student since my elementary (primary)years in school... i always tell myself that this is my gift to my parents

jeah (3/10/2009 12:21:17 AM): but when i was 6 years old, something not good happened to me... i was sexually harrassed by the grandfather of my bestfriend. she didnt know what happened of course, but i was soooooooo terified coz he threatend to kill my mom if i will tell anybody wat happened

jeah (3/10/2009 12:21:40 AM): i was just a little girl so i was really scared

jeah (3/10/2009 12:22:22 AM): i never told anybody and i forced myself to forget about it and continue living a great life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:23:20 AM): until when i was 16 years old and was in my first year in college...i heard that he died and remembered everything that happened when i was 6 years oldjeah

(3/10/2009 12:24:08 AM): that time there was this guy who is courting me and wanted me to become his girlfriend... i considered him as a brother and a dear friend

jeah (3/10/2009 12:24:43 AM): i told him what happened to me when i was 6 yo and he was soooooo caring and sympathetic

jeah (3/10/2009 12:25:32 AM): i thought that he was a good guy...and was really sincere about his feelings for me. so after awhile i agreed to become his girlfriend

jeah (3/10/2009 12:28:32 AM): but he forced me to have sex with him... i was not ready coz i was really young then. he hurt he, and forced me to do it with him. he hit me and i was crying when i was devirginized. it was not a happy experience at all

jeah (3/10/2009 12:29:23 AM): i was so angry and i felt really cheated coz i trusted him more than anyone else...but he did exactly the same thing i experienced when i was 6 years old

jeah (3/10/2009 12:29:54 AM): after that i never trusted anyone or allowed myself to love someone...but i had sooooo many boyfriends

jeah (3/10/2009 12:30:28 AM): and i had sex to a lot of guys.. not because i loved them but i wanted them to feel how it is to be hurt...

jeah (3/10/2009 12:31:10 AM): at the back of my mind thu, i was really looking for love, only that i dont think there is someone worth trusting and loving at all

jeah (3/10/2009 12:31:51 AM): but... i felt so empty, sooooo dirty and i lost myself. i was really confused, depressed and was never proud of myself

jeah (3/10/2009 12:33:50 AM): until i met my son's father.. we were young and we both needed love.. we thot we were meant to be together..but i was still doubting him...i never gave him all of my love. i still feel empty even if we are togetherjeah

(3/10/2009 12:34:46 AM): then one day i prayed and was crying when i was talking to God. i asked Him if He can give me something or someone worth fixing my life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:35:56 AM): i was not happy... but i wanted to change and fix my messy life... i made a promise to Him that if that time comes, i will fix my life according to how He wanted me to lead it.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:37:13 AM): then I got pregnant... it was the happiest moment in my life. after a long time... i was really happy knowing that my pregnancy is an answered prayer. God gave me the right reason to live and fix my life

jeah (3/10/2009 12:38:39 AM): but, my son's dad was not ready for it...he told me to have an abortion...i refused...then he realized he made a mistake so he decided to keep the baby and would want us to be together without marriage

jeah (3/10/2009 12:39:35 AM): i said NO, i made a promise to God i will fix my life and i wanted Him to bless me and my family thru marriage

jeah (3/10/2009 12:40:57 AM): but my son's dad was not ready for it...so i decided, i will leave and raise my child on my own. i was sooo disappointed with him, i left and never communicated with him

jeah (3/10/2009 12:41:20 AM): he didnt even know i gave birth to my son..

jeah (3/10/2009 12:42:26 AM): 2 weeks after i gave birth, i applied as a teacher in a caregiver school in our place. i was accepted and started working there

jeah (3/10/2009 12:43:18 AM): my income was really low, but i still gave something to my mom and the rest, i spend for my baby's needs. i never asked anything from anyone to raise my child

jeah (3/10/2009 12:43:44 AM): i faced the consequences of my actions, took responsibility and correct the things i did wrong

jeah (3/10/2009 12:44:34 AM): after that, i was soooooo focused with having a career, get promoted earn a better income and love, care, love and take care of my son

jeah (3/10/2009 12:46:08 AM): when i had my Kahlil, i regained my true self... i gained respect from people because i never allowed circumstances to stop me from achieving my dreams while i showed love and responsibility to my son

jeah (3/10/2009 12:46:27 AM): i made sure...that my son will be proud of me.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:47:18 AM): i made a promise to myself that if ever the Lord will give me a husband in the future, il see to it that he can be proud of me, even if i am a single mom

jeah (3/10/2009 12:48:11 AM): i prayed that someday, someone will love me and my son unconditionally...and i will make him the happiest man on earth thanking God that he got me as his wife

jeah (3/10/2009 12:49:13 AM): what i achieved rite now is because i wanted to become the best mother on earth for my son by becoming the best person that i can become.

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:09 AM): and hopefully...i would also be able to help other people in any way i can, that they'l be inspired with my story and they too will fix their lives and be the best to glorify God's name

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:34 AM): i guess that's me...i hope i gave you something there

jeah (3/10/2009 12:50:54 AM): i hope you got this msg

jeah (3/10/2009 12:51:39 AM): i am really looking forward to know you better and build something real and lasting with you with God's grace and guidance

jeah (3/10/2009 12:57:48 AM): take care always...im just here

jeah (3/10/2009 12:58:02 AM): i love you sweety

Memoir of thy old self (old poems '02-'03)

Suddenly came a spark that breathes life into dust
Molded in a gentle yet uncertain bin
Creating an angel so wild, so free…
In the darkness she unravels herself
In the light she disappears
A cry underneath her speaks of angst
A call from within her unleashes a terrified soul
What is she made for?
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She wakes up with sunshine on her face
In a haven that speaks of her being
Another day she must face uncertain
She wanted to hide the shadows in her eyes
In a crystal veil smoked and tinted
She wanted to run with the wolves and be free
Leaving the ghost that haunts her dreams
To bare everything until vulnerability is complete
To take off the mask for the world to see
Without shame or fear
See the real me!
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In a long and lonesome road
Where everything is unsure
Blind curves and dark alleys suggests risks
Hurdles of blades make the journey complicated
Army of death guards the most coveted gift
To risk or not at all is the ultimate question
Destiny is what we make it
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Body shimmering with bitter sweat
Fragrant hair tied in chains
Looking straight beyond faceless strangers
Far-out thoughts collated
Starving screams from the pit neglected
Painful lump gone unnoticed
Presence unknown amidst presence
In a vast ocean beyond perception
A spell that binds time beyond infinity
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Exhausted…
Body and soul
Exhausted…
Heart and mind
Exhausted…
Psyche, being, wholeness
Apocalypse…
Gift of rest
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In the midst of nowhere is the heart of wisdom
It is diamond in mud
In a magical world where magic never works
In a bed of nails where tenderness lay
Floating in the river of agony is the most coveted joy
In turbulence is peace
In pain is relief
Only in darkness can a spark be a guiding light
A long journey test’s a horse’s strength
And only those who risk can unhorse the emperor
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Blindfolded was I when I took the journey
In my pinion hides a searching spirit
In my cup a bitter potion that heals a wounded soul
Direction unknown as darkness engulfed my wholeness
Chains around my ankles braces my numbness
BREAK FREE!
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wish list

I wish to write with such passion as real writers do…
I wish to vividly narrate things, situations, and emotions like great novelists do
To capture scenes of never land,
Create fairy tales and let my pen wander with my thoughts
I hope to put into words… great adventures humanity never heard of before
And will never forget beyond infinity
I always wanted to paint marvelous pictures with the kaleidoscope of my words
In oil, in water colors and even in simple crayons
Never in my life did I ever stop dreaming of becoming an artist…
Fearlessly, shamelessly, passionately
Expressing every detail of my thoughts,
Every bit of emotions,
With a fierce lust overwhelmingly swallowing the smallest qualms
Of being true to thy self…of feeding thy starving spirit… of quenching thy thirsty soul
Devouring to every crumbs of truth and realities
Satisfying the hunger for answers
To every question on thy life’s purpose and life itself
I always wish to give another name to lucky stars,
To beautiful dreams, to heaven, to paradise
I always wanted to give new physiques to guardian angels,
Fairy godmothers, the charmed witches and Saint Nicholas
That makes every soul’s wishes come true, never failing them


But is there any other names?
Any other images aside from what the other great writers, poets, lyricists, novelists before me ever created?
What if the things I considered extra-special turns out to be very trivial in some people’s eyes?
What if my wealth turns out to be other people’s trash?
I only have one answer… and a long one at that…
I may be an ordinary creature in this extremely bewildering world…
My words may be other people’s curse
My thoughts may be other people’s regrets and disappointments
My dream may be other people’s nightmares and frustrations
But they are all mine… and mine alone
They reflect my spirit…my soul…my essence as a person, as an individual
And that what makes it extra-special… they are my own
I don’t have to compare myself to anyone
I don’t have to be someone else but myself
I am my own world…as they are their own
I captain my own ship… as they do their own…well, for some of them
I don’t have to prove anything to other people
For I only have to answer to myself…
I am me, and I’m glad this is me…